


my brain is tired (my stomach sick)

by quarks bar (sharknana29)



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Introspection, dax symbiont
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 07:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30136410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharknana29/pseuds/quarks%20bar
Summary: Seven lifetimes of memories didn’t come without their cost.
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	my brain is tired (my stomach sick)

**Author's Note:**

> content warnings for descriptions of anxiety and mentions of death and suicide

The most common complaint heard in Joined circles is mornings. Waking up with no idea whose life you were living and which memories were current was something that no amount of Initiate training could prepare you for. 

But for Jadzia Dax, the hardest time of day was night. 

Memories wound their ways through her mind. Hard-fought battles of both might and wit from times gone past. The suicide of a child, a firey shuttle crash. Seven lifetimes of memories didn’t come without their cost. 

So when she found she couldn’t sleep, Dax wandered the station. 

Sometimes she would end up at Quark’s, where a tongo game- or 4- would distract her until she reached exhaustion. Other times the holosuites occupied her time, a Klingon program working her muscles to the limit. If she was particularly lucky, the delta shift science officer in Ops. would be out sick and she could fill in until the Gamma shift change. 

And if none of those worked, Jadzia returned to her quarters and laid in bed for hours on end. She let the memories rush over her, living a distant life through new eyes. 

Some days she could tell that the memories were going to come, like the purple waves of Trill withdrawing from the shore before a horrific storm. Those times she’d spend the day looking for a visitor to the station to spend the night with. Most of the time the sex was enough to distract her, to chase the memories away. When it wasn’t Dax was secretly glad that the person asleep beside her would likely never see her again. 

These distractions gave her a reputation: fun-loving, flirty, erratic. It hid the hardworking woman that had clawed her way back into the initiate program while still serving in the ‘Fleet, sure, but it covered up the possessed way in which her body wanted to move even better. 

Curzon’s memories rushed up, full of the same fiery intensity with which he approached everything in life. They were often blurred by any number of different alcohols, but that didn’t lessen their intensity in any way that might have mattered. Bright flashes of old flames, brawls, even sharp barks of laughter with Benjamin. His blood oath was a more firm memory, one laced with pain and anger. She had carried that anger with her as well, until there had been a chance to set it free. 

Joran’s memories were more subtle, quiet rushes of emotion. A spark of pleasure after a performance (always the same one, for some reason), the way it would curdle into something else. A poison of the mind. When his emotions rose to meet Jadzia’s they left her rushing to the privacy of her quarters. 

Torias had felt everything with a passion. The man had been so vivid in life, and so his memories were bright detailed moments. His love for Nilani, their fights, and every day in between. These were a constant in the back of Jadzia’s mind, filling her dull moments with a love for life. His fiery crash would sneak up on her though, in the dead of night, the brightest Dax had ever seen. 

There was no one way to describe Audrid’s lifetime of memories. She had been a proud woman with a kind appearance that, like Jadzia, hid something uglier beneath. No one became head of the Symbiosis Commission without a hint of ambition, after all. Missing days promised to her children and hikes through the lush forests of Trill when things became altogether too much. Hers had been a life of stress and difficult choices, and so it was at these times in Jadzia’s life that her being rose to a challenge.

Emony, the hard-working optimist. She had always looked at things from new points of view, often while upside-down. She was active, striving to be remembered by others as much as they were remembered by her. It was in battle, inconveniently enough, that her memories most often came through, brought forth by the soaring in Jadzia’s stomach and the shield of hope in her heart. 

Tobin came paired with another. The quiet nervousness that personified him in life followed his psyche into the symbiont, where his memories came only when Jadzia was worried or terrified out of her mind. Often this was when Torias had his fun running through her brain, or after recollections of Audrid’s final fight with her daughter. The one time his memories came without a wave of overwhelm from a different part of life was when Verad had announced his intent. Tobin had almost been a comfort then, providing memories of helpful information to ease the anxiety running through her.

Lela was strong. Her memories overtook Jadzia at times, the older woman’s personality providing input even when she had retreated. There was less of a need to fight, now, few men to prove herself to, even fewer telling her to take up less space. It was when Jadzia was truly herself, grinning over a full tongo pot or exploring a new planet in the Gamma Quadrant, that she rose, urging Dax to take the spotlight for a little bit more. 

So for all the stress they cause, Jadzia doesn’t think that anything would convince her to stop the memories. Its how Dax communicates, how each lifetime shows its support. They’re a part of her, and she’s a part of them.

**Author's Note:**

> aka the author projecting her anxiety on jadzia and then trying to put a positive spin on it because its 3:30 am as im writing this and I haven't had a full night of sleep in a week
> 
> thank you for reading!! i hope you enjoyed  
> find me on twitter @edwardianwlw


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